Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.