Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
We like the way Dwight thinks
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.