just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
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remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that