Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Every. Damn. Time.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Good news
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!