Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Möther may I have a snäck
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Sell your car