Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
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Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Meat Cute
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.