found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
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Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”