I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
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I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
listen closely
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room