I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.