Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Sign at work today
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]