@funTweeters
You Might Also Like
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
this post was so formative to me
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office