[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
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Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family