This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
who will stop them
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
The future is now.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
choose your fighter
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant