If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
The best plant holders?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
new shirt idea
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.