I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
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Hello Twits.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup