Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
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As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.