My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
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I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
A choir of Spring onions
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My whole life was a lie.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.