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Risking my life for fun.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Sunday
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
stand with me against insufficient seating
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
the red hot silly peppers
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.