whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
S O O N
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Ah yes. The three genders
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right