I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
i want to work in this restaurant
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
next level snooze
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.