Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
lol
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
crazy
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo