I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
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When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Pretty much. 🤣
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
there’s probably a fee though
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.