That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
What the hell happened in there??
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”