being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
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Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes