Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
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I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer