ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
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Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Eat…
waiting for halloween be like:
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery