If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
the three branches of government
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.