Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
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A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My flabber has been gasted.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical