*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
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Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
S/o to @funTweeters .
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.