Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Can’t, holding a grudge
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Every BBC series about the universe.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.