A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
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I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”