Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
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Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg