Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
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Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
*jingles half the way*
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.