Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
You Might Also Like
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
🙂🐾
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time