Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
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My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Brilliant!
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
See..?
.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.