Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
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Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married