[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.