(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
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[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
me after eating Cheetos
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments