(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
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[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
my fav colour is also hitler
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Oops
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.