kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
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I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“