My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.