I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
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My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.