It still works 🤷🏼♀️
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Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back