Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed