“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
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The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]