Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
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As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Respect
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.