It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
This bar smells like my childhood.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above