What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Your secret is safeish with me
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.