me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
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Breaking news:
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”