I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
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choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
All excellent questions
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.